Anyway, it got me missing my family. I've been having that feeling lately, partly because I've also been watching Parenthood and partly because I think I'm having a mid-life crisis. Seriously, what will I have to show for my life? I have nothing creative to contribute to the world and I have no kids. When I am old, who will be there for me? I guess it's all coming to the surface because Matt and I have been thinking of our wills and I realized that the only people that will be there for us to pass on our life savings will be siblings, nieces and nephews. That's really sad. I'm not saying I want to have kids just because of that but I still feel a little bit like maybe I missed something. It's too late for me now because I'm too set in my ways but I hope I didn't make a mistake.
Anyway, I loooooooove my nieces and nephews and I also love Stephanie's daughter, Emily. I live vicariously through them. I wish I could see all of them more often to get a real sense of their growth but I get what I can. You'd think I'd see Emily more than my relatives because she lives down the street but that's not the case. Stephanie is always busy and she does a lot with her other friend, Michelle. I actually think I see my nephews, Eli and Lucas, the most and they live all the way up in Ventura.
I think I'm also feeling a little lonely. You know, I moved down to San Diego because I could keep my job by moving down here and it wouldn't have worked that way if Matt moved to L.A. However, once again, I'm just hanging out with my boyfriend's/husband's friends. I don't have any friends of my own. I know that they will become "my" friends also eventually but I'm not there yet. I have Stephanie but she is spending so much time with her other divorced friend that I hardly see her. I don't blame her but I feel like I have no one else. I have always had a hard time making friends and I just find it impossible now. I should take up some hobbies outside of the house but I don't know what to do. It's not so much that I'm lonely for other people because I'm someone that could probably live on a desert island and be fine. It's just that I feel worthless. I'm contributing nothing to the world and no one, except Matthew, would even notice that I'm gone.
Geez, I sound suicidal. I'm not. I could never. Like I said, it's a mid-life crisis.
It doesn't help that Lost is ending this week. It is really upsetting to me for some reason. I love that show and I will really miss it. Hmmm. Is it that I feel an attachment to the characters and I feel I am losing them...just more friends that I won't have anymore? I don't know. I'm just feeling nostalgic about the whole thing, like it is an important show in television history and it is ending. You know, I never watched the last "M*A*S*H*" for the same reason. I cried every time I thought about it and I was afraid of the ending. I guess I could watch it now.
So, family is the word in my head right now. I'm looking forward to seeing them all this summer. I just wish my brother, Will, would join us. I don't know what's up with him. He is really secretive about his life and he won't come to family gatherings anymore. It's very upsetting. However, he does respond when I email him, asking if he's still alive. So, that's something.
4 comments:
I say do it. Baby that is.
I thought I was set in my ways too. You'll adapt. It's part of your built in progamming from hundreds of thousands of years.
Chloe has had the most profound effect on my life and I love her in a way I had no idea was possible before her. You're not too old. You're not too set in your ways. Other women your age have done in and will continue to do it. You can do it. I won't lie, it's hard work. But the payoff is exponential. You'll never regret it.
You know I've always wanted you to go for it, but I never wanted to get into you business. After reading your blog entry I decided I would tell you. If you want life to feel important and worthwhile go for it. You'll get over the age difference. I did. Besides you get to go through all you childhood favorite things and rediscover them through your child. Chloe and I had a dance party today. By her request it was Michael Jackson and Madonna! haha
You gotta do whats right for you, but I had to go for the hard sell. Besides, Matthew is just made to be a father. :-D
We'll all love you just the same no matter what you do. We can't wait to see you this summer too. Your b-day at Disneyland!! Woooot!
-Don(nie)
Btw I didn't proof read that I hope there's no embarrassing typos. Hehehe
With all of my stomach problems, I always knew that having my own baby would be a nightmare. I haven't ruled out adoption, though. I realized last night, when I went to Emily's dance recital and got totally enamored with this little boy with down's syndrome, that I am someone who likes to help the more unfortunate. That's why I got the 3-legged dog and it's why I would want to help a kid that is stuck in the system and needs a home.
you will NEVER regret it and your heart will grow to a size unimaginable! chloe needs some Shank cousin/beach buddies!!
:)
Susan, I love reading your blog, and the transparency of your writing is mostly what draws me in, but this post was maybe my favorite. Really, I want to say thank you for writing this. I can relate to a mid-life "whaaa???!!!" and I have three (!) children. And currently two rescued dogs! And about 30 tadpoles, but that's probably tangential to my point. And I don't even know what my point is. I guess it's just that I'm grateful you're you, and that I get to read about you :-)
PS every public school I know of in California needs people who can pass fingerprinting who will read to kids or listen to kids read to them. I have found it fun and fulfilling. Teaching without the paperwork, parenting without the sleepless nights. Just a thought.
-Jen
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